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The TV Show

Bob’s Writings

“That Man Bob Scott”: A Script Sneak Preview

By Bob Scott C.P.A.   27 Mar 2015  

Webmaster’s note: Bob Scott has long expressed his desire to make a television show about a fictionalized version of himself. Titled That Man Bob Scott, the proposed series — as conceived by Bob — would mix thrilling action with gratuitous profanity and steamy sex, all set to popular music hits. Presented here are the first five pages of Bob Scott’s “telescriptplay,” which one television executive named Jerry at the Oprah Winfrey Network not only called “unwatchable,” but also “distressing.”

" THAT MAN BOB SCOTT "
THE PILOT EPISODE

FADE IN:

EXT. WINDING MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

We HEAR VERY LOUDLY in the b.g. (that means "background") THE SINGING of somebody Cool and Hip like Leo Sayer or Roger Whittaker or Supertramp maybe. But NOT SO VERY LOUDLY that your ears hurt and/or you can't hear what people are saying when they say something.

A swanky orange sports car drives so fast, it's a blur practically. In hot pursuit right on its tail: two other fast-moving cars that are painted black! SOME BALD ASSHOLE leans out of the window of one of the black cars and fires his machine-gun. RAT-A-TAT-TAT. What a Big Bald Dick!

INT. SWANKY ORANGE SPORTS CAR - TRAVELING

Gun-bullets ricochet off of the bulletproof windows. The Very Sexy lady in the passenger seat SCREAMS in a French accent. That's because she is the QUEEN OF FRANCE.

The driver -- his full head of rich, healthy hair a Glorious Sight to behold -- stays focused on the road. He squints his eyes like he is thinking hard and quietly to himself about something Very important. It's THAT MAN BOB SCOTT!

More gun-bullets bounce off the windows.

MALE VOICE (OFF-SCREEN)

Ummm, Bob Scott, those Big fuckers are closing in fast and THEY MEAN THE BUSINESS...

We SEE the source of the voice: MR. DUDLEY, a cat sitting on a Hover Pillow that floats next to Bob Scott. (A Hover Pillow is a Scientific invention created by Bob Scott in his basement Laboratory.) [NOTE: Mr. Dudley and the Hover Pillow both are Highly realistic Computer Generated Images.]

2.

MR. DUDLEY (CONT'D)

...I hope you have a fucking plan.

EXT. WINDING MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

Good Lord, all those cars are going so fast it could make you seizure. And gun-bullets are flying everywhere! EVERYWHERE!

But what's THAT UP AHEAD??? Holy Shit-Burgers, there's a Big roadblock. The road is ending suddenly, people! And then there's a fucking cliff!

INT. SWANKY ORANGE SPORTS CAR - TRAVELING

Mr. Dudley looks like he's about to drop a Big turd.

MR. DUDLEY

HOLY SHIT-BURGERS, BOB SCOTT, THE FUCKING ROAD--

BOB SCOTT

The fucking road?? Where we're going, we don't need fucking roads.

Bob Scott calmly flicks some important looking switches and presses some bright-colored buttons on the dashboard (but not so bright-colored that they hurt your eyes). He is one cool cucumber, sorry if you disagree.

EXT. WINDING MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

CRAAASHHH-BAAAAAAANNNNGG!! Bob Scott's swanky orange sports car breaks through the barricade and streaks into the air, it's intense.

All kinds of metal contraptions start popping out of the roof of the car. "Is this a Dumb 'Transformers' movie film?" you think, but NO, this is Bob Scott's Helicopter Car! The propellers start spinning around and around.

The two fast-moving cars that are painted black and have been chasing Bob Scott fly right off the cliff.

3.

But they aren't helicopter cars like Bob Scott's Helicopter Car and so they just fall in the air lifelessly, exploding from all the Centrifugal Force (I don't know what that is exactly, I am not a Pro Scientist, sorry.)

INT. SWANKY ORANGE HELICOPTER SPORTS CAR - FLYING

The Queen of France looks at that man Bob Scott lustfully. It's clear that she really wants his wang juice BAD.

INT. BOB SCOTT'S APARTMENT "PAD" - NIGHT

Wow, this "pad" sure is Fancy-pants! You might not believe me, but all the spendy furnishings are from Macy's probably.

The Queen of France faces Bob Scott in a Sexy housecoat. To clarify my last sentence, it is the Queen of France in the Sexy housecoat, not Bob Scott -- that would be weird.

QUEEN OF FRANCE

Before I go back to my Land, I want to taste your genitals, Bob Scott.

She lets her housecoat fall away, revealing perfectly-sized Big breasts with perfectly-sized Large areolas that Bob Scott likes. She also has a thick bush of fiery red Pubic hairs, again just like Bob Scott likes.

Bob Scott just smirks.

BOB SCOTT

I like all those things, it's true.

Bob Scott bends over to take off his underpants, revealing a Sturdy Boner that is 90-100% hard (he DOES NOT suffer from ANY erection difficulties obviously). [NOTE: I don't know how much we can show, so if we can't show Bob Scott's Sturdy Boner, then the Queen of France should look down and say:

QUEEN OF FRANCE

Wow, Bob Scott, you sure are 90-100% hard definitely.]

4.

HOT SEXPLAY MONTAGE - SET TO GORDON LIGHTFOOT'S HIT MUSIC SONG "SUNDOWN"

She's been looking like a queen in a sailor's dream
And she don't always say what she really means

- Bob Scott stands cool as the Queen of France leaves a trail of Promiscuous kisses right down the treasure trail on his stomach to his... OH YES, BOB SCOTT IS GOING TO GET SOME REAL SERIOUS ORAL FELLATIO RIGHT HERE!!!

Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feeling better when I'm feeling no pain

- In the shower, Bob Scott eats beef jerky and does it with the Queen of France doggy-style. Even though they are both standing upright, Bob Scott doesn't look exhausted AT ALL. He does not suffer from chronic lower back pains clearly. THIS IS AMAZING!!! ARE WE ACTUALLY SEEING THIS???

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in her loving is your first mistake

- Bob Scott is sitting in a Barcalounger as the Queen of France straddles him. She gyrates like crazy, bobbing up and down. BOB SCOTT IS REALLY GETTING IT GOOD, FRIENDS!!!

Sundown, you better take care
If I find you been creeping 'round my back stairs
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winning when I'm losing again

- Bob Scott is laying down on his fuck mat as the Queen of France straddles him. That Gorgeous Lady is really going to town. THEY ARE HUMPING LIKE CRAZY, PEOPLE!!!

All of a sudden Mr. Dudley barges in.

MR. DUDLEY

Sorry to disrupt your fucks, Bob Scott, but we have a Big massive fucking problem. It's the Commissioner.

5.

INT. BOB SCOTT'S BASEMENT COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

This room has an important-looking board room conference table (light oak) like one Dynasty's Blake Carrington would sit at. It also has a wall of computer machines made by Apple Computers Incorporated. POLICE COMMISSIONER AND C.N.N. REPORTER WOLF BLITZER appears on a Bigscreen T.V.

WOLF BLITZER

Bob Scott, we have reasons to believe that the exact same people that killed J.F.K., Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and Mama Cass have struck again. The Manager of the Thailand Arby's has been murdered. All of his blood was drained out and put in the au jus machine. Can you get over here right away pronto???

Bob Scott faces the Bigscreen T.V. naked, asserting his manhood Dominance to Commissioner Wolf Blitzer.

BOB SCOTT

Roger, 10-4, good buddy. Mercy sakes alive, what a fuck-cluster. Yes, I will be right there.

Bob Scott flips back the head of a statue bust of Pro Actor Adam West as Batman and presses a button. A bookcase slides open to reveal a firepole. Bob Scott races to it.

"That Man (a.k.a. The Bob Scott T.V. Theme)" by Vangelis plays. It is an even catchier tune than Vangelis' "Chariots of Fire" -- you really feel the rhythms in your hips.

[OPENING CREDITS.]

[COMMERCIAL BREAK: IT WOULD BE A GOOD "PRODUCT TIE-IN" TO SHOW AN ARBY'S COMMERCIAL HERE PROBABLY, BUT A COMMERCIAL FOR BEN-GAY OR TAPIOCA PUDDING COULD WORK ALSO.]

Webmaster’s note: Despite strong efforts to land a distinguished actor like Kevin Spacey or Billy Dee Williams to portray Bob Scott, That Man Bob Scott has had a troubled production history. However, at the time of this article’s original publication in March 2015, things were looking more hopeful with an agreement reached for the Lycos Search Engine to stream the series as part of an attempt to more closely compete with rival Yahoo.

Update [29 June 2015]: The Lycos Search Engine has dropped development of the show due to Bob Scott’s low follower count on social media.

Update [23 February 2016]: According to Bob Scott, the show “is back on track,” this time at a prominent cable network. A “bigwig” producer has hired a screenwriter to do what the industry calls a “page one rewrite,” reshaping the series from scratch. Much to Bob Scott’s chagrin, it is now being developed as a comedy, not an action romance.

Update [19 March 2016]: It’s announced that George Clooney is attached as an executive producer.