In which Bob Scott criticizes the film’s reliance on real-life Gigantic orange fucking fireballs
Starring: Not Mel Gibson and not Tina Turner.
So today I am reviewing the exciting new movie film called “Mad Max: Fury Road,” which is about Mad Max (played by Tom Hardy) living in a future where pretty much all there is to do are two things: 1) Speed around the desert in a suped-up motorcar blowing up other suped-up motorcars, and 2) die of extreme thirstiness. Mad Max gets caught by some bad guys at the beginning, but then manages to escape and join up with a Sexy one-armed bald lady (played by Charlize Theron) who is trying to rescue some girls who have been held captive by a freaky-looking white-haired dick who wears a scary mask made of teeth.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You saw the name “Fury Road” and thought this is just another movie with a lot of shots of boring street signs in it, but no, this was an incredible action spectacle! People, this movie made me thirsty just looking at it — that’s how good it was!!! Everything about the experience was tops, such as the acting, the camera shots, all the crazy car chases and car crashes, the music, even the large Grape ICEE I had!! That large Grape ICEE was so cold and refreshing that I wished I could share it with everybody else up on the screen, but the technology to share your drinking beverage with thirsty movie characters hasn’t been invented yet unfortunately. (I am writing this in the year of 2015 just in case you are reading this sometime in the future and saying “But Bob Scott, you don’t know what you are talking about — I share my drinking beverage with thirsty movie characters all the time.”)
At first I thought quietly to myself “I need to stop my car before I die” but then I realized it was a Gigantic real-life orange fucking fireball so I just sped up instead.
That all said up there, I do have some issues with what I saw. Yes, not only was I confused that Mel Gibson and Tina Turner never showed up, I think the far bigger problem I had was that a lot of moviegoers watched all those cars and Big trucks speeding around and they saw all kinds of bright explosions on the screen, but they did not understand the full impact of the movie because they do not have personal experience with one of its central-most themes: driving right through the middle of real-life Gigantic orange fucking fireballs.
In 1984, I had the fortunate opportunity to do just that. I was in the Army at the time, so there were a lot of chances to do dangerous things like get shit-face drunk from homemade bathtub potato beer, eat five pounds of leftover potatoes, have explosive diarrheas, fire guns that shot leftover potatoes, and pee while standing up (and that was all in just a single night!!!). So one day when I was on leave, I was driving my green 1978 Subaru B.R.A.T. (that stands for “Bi-drive Recreational All-terrain Transporter”—I never knew what that meant, I just drove it for the looks) around town getting household necessities like toilet paper, frozen peas, and a more Realistic-looking dildo, when I suddenly saw something Big and bright and orange on the highway right in front of me! At first I thought quietly to myself “I need to stop my car before I die” but then I realized it was a Gigantic real-life orange fucking fireball so I just sped up instead.
I am never one to pass up exciting new experiences, also I really like the color orange. I slammed my foot down on the gas pedal. If you do not know what that does, putting your foot down on the gas pedal makes a motor vehicle go faster. And then I got so excited, I put both of my feet down on that pedal. I do not know if that made the car go any faster (I am not a Scientist), but it sure felt like it!!! And guess what, friends??
After that experience of being the actual fireball (instead of one that can be driven right through), my trust in fireballs and fire in general changed greatly.
It was remarkable!! I went streaking right through the middle of that Gigantic orange real-life fucking fireball!!! The only thing that would have made the whole experience any better at all was if I had not hit something on my way through. I think it was a car — maybe the one that was on fire?? I just don’t know. Anyway, it caused me to lose control of my B.R.A.T. and crash. They say my car rolled and rolled down into a ravine, but I had already fainted so it was no Big deal.
To this day I do not know what or who it was that was on fire that day, but I am glad I had the chance to drive right through the middle of it when I did. It would be just a few years later that I would be in Seminary and take P.C.P. and catch on fire, then jump through a window, fall two stories, and get impaled on the church fence. After that experience of being the actual fireball (instead of one that can be driven right through), my trust in fireballs and fire in general changed greatly. I doubt I would ever drive right through the middle of a fucking real-life orange Gigantic fireball again. I guess it really would depend on how orange it was.
Anyway, I would recommend anybody who is planning to go see “Mad Max: Fury Road” do what I did beforehand and first drive right through the middle of a fucking real-life fireball that is both Gigantic and orange. They are pretty easy to make. All you need is some lighter fluid and matches, plus something that will catch on fire easily like old bags of garbage you have laying around.
I give this movie film “Mad Max: Fury Road” 94.2127 stars out of 100. I would have rated it much higher, but I think it is a Big mistake on the part of moviemakers to base so much of the plot on driving through real-life Gigantic orange fucking fireballs when only 50-60% of the audience have done it probably. Movie films need to be more universal in this day and age in order to be successful — that is exactly why this movie will be a Big Giant Dud probably and that is just a Big Giant Shame because it’s pretty Amazing!!!
Thank you for your time. Signed, Bob F. Scott