Cooking Food Recipe

Bob’s Writings

Bob’s Homemade Pizza Pile

By Bob Scott C.P.A.   17 Apr 2015  

Even if you disagree about politics or Religion, I think everybody here on Planet Earth can come together and agree on one thing for sure: store-bought frozen pizzas sure can taste shitty. That is why one day about 12 or 7 years ago I thought quietly to myself, “Bob Scott, as a ‘foodie,’ you really should find a way to make store-bought frozen pizzas taste much less shitty” — so I immediately began work on inventing a brand new recipe that would do just that.

Say a Big “Hello” to the Bob Scott Homemade Pizza Pile, my friends!

Good Things To Know

Cuisine: Italian
Prep Time: 30 minutes to several hours, depending on how many store-bought frozen pizzas you are using, also if you have no arms and have not learned how to use a knife with your feet
Expense: Low to high*
Servings: It depends on if you are overweight or not, I just don’t know
Skill Level: Super highly advanced
Nutrition: Pretty healthy, I think — it never makes me that gassy or gives me the runs
Allergens: Who the fuck is allergic to pizza???

*You can use as many store-bought frozen pizzas in this recipe as you want — you are only limited by the size of your baking oven. Just make sure you always use an odd number of pizzas (for example, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, contact me for a full list), otherwise they won't stack right and the dish will turn out looking Ugly.

Step 1

Pro cooking is messy business, so as always, you need to prepare your cooking area by laying out newspaper on the counter and on the floor. Then arrange all of your ingredients in an orderly manner — this will be the last time you see them this way.

Step 2

Bake your store-bought frozen pizzas at 425° for 8 minutes. They can be regular-size or ‘mini-size’ — it really just depends on if you are rich or not. (‘Rich’ isn’t something that I am at the moment, so I chose ‘mini’ pizzas from the Dollar Store that feature Realistic-looking pepperonis.)

Step 3

While your pizzas are baking, prepare your favorite toppings to make this Homemade Pizza Pile your very own. I am adding Vienna sausages, which I am cutting Julienne-style to look more fancy. I am also putting on there mushrooms (canned — fresh is just too spendy right now), and Roma tomatoes*.

*I tend to seizure when eating foods that are too bold and flavorful, so I prefer Roma tomatoes due to their bland taste and spongy texture.

Step 4

Take your pizzas out of the baking oven and put one on a baking sheet, then place the second pizza face-down on the first pizza. I know cooking something upside-down seems Very unusual and even dangerous maybe, but don’t worry — this recipe has been tested for safety and this is an essential step. Remember: your Bob Scott Homemade Pizza Pile cannot really be a ‘pile’ unless you pile up all the pizzas!

Step 5

Open a jar of your favorite spaghetti sauce or whatever was cheapest at the store. Spread the sauce on the bottom crust of the second pizza (the one that is now upside-down). Use a knife or a spatula to get an even coating, but if you are like me and not rich like Neil Diamond or the Pope, just use a rolled up newspaper instead. IMPORTANT NOTE: A rolled-up magazine should work also.

Step 6

Add all of those toppings you prepared in Step 3, then dump on there as much of your favorite cheese as you can possibly afford. You might not believe this, but one time I bought so much cheese and left it in the backseat of my car on a hot day that I couldn't clean it up so I just poured a bag of tortilla chips on it and crushed up a couple of McDonald's Big Macs and made what I call “Bob’s Backseat Nacho Pile.” I would put that recipe on here, but I can't make it anymore — I do not have a car.

Step 7

Now, take the third pizza and stand it up on its side and coat its entire bottom crust with more spaghetti sauce using your rolled-up newspaper. IMPORTANT REMINDER: A rolled-up magazine should work also.

Step 8

Place the third pizza face-up on top of the all the toppings you put on the bottom crust of the second pizza. I know this all sounds confusing — believe me, I am the one who invented this recipe and I’m confused too. Just look at the picture instead of trying to understand my words.

Step 9

Repeat Steps 5–8 for every two additional pizzas you wish to add to your Homemade Pizza Pile. I am going to make a five (5) pizza Homemade Pizza Pile in this recipe*, so I will repeat Steps 5–8 one time.

*At first I planned to make a seven (7) pizza Homemade Pizza Pile, but I left them on the Bus earlier this week, along with a brand new tube of sex lubricant (don’t worry — it was just for me to use by myself). They were never turned in to the Lost & Found, so for budgetary reasons I am using just 5 (five) store-bought frozen ‘mini’ pizzas in my Homemade Pizza Pile.

Step 10

Bake your fully-assembled Homemade Pizza Pile for 8 minutes, but also add 1 extra minute for each pizza in your Homemade Pizza Pile. So in my recipe, I would add 5 extra minutes to the 8 minute base time.

If you are not good at math, you can use a calculator or adding machine to find out the total number of baking minutes.

Step 10.1
Press the “C” key (that means ‘Clear’) to make sure you are starting a brand new calculation.
Step 10.2
Type in the number “8” (that means ‘8 minutes’).
Step 10.3
Press the “+” key.
Step 10.4
Type in the total number of pizzas in your Homemade Pizza Pile. (For me, it is “5”.)
Step 10.5
Press the “=” key.
Step 10.6
Read the number on the screen. You may need to get your eyeglasses. That number is how much longer you need to bake your Homemade Pizza Pile! When math works the way that it should, it’s like magic, people!!!

Step 11

Open the baking oven. Your Bob Scott Homemade Pizza Pile should now be ready to enjoy!

NOTE: If your baking oven is shitty, you may have to bake your Homemade Pizza Pile longer than people with non-shitty baking ovens. But be careful — if you open your shitty baking oven and the Homemade Pizza Pile is completely on fire, you baked it for too long. That will affect the taste probably.

I like to eat my Bob Scott Homemade Pizza Pile with a cold glass of chilled milk, or Mr. Flavor Grape Soda if I can find some (I think it was pulled from the marketplace because someone who drank it died, but I could be wrong about that — I no longer work for the company that makes it).

Thank you for your time. Signed, Bob F. Scott